A follow on from my last blog on values the natural progression is believes. Beliefs are our assumptions we hold to be true. they are so integral to parenting and not only how we see our children but also how we see ourselves. Even if it is not true.

What are beliefs

  • Believes are made up of our myths, values and ideologies
  • Can be passed down via our parents and culture
  • They affect our thoughts, feelings and behaviours
  • Its acceptance that something is true even without evidence
  • Power to limit us
  • Often unconscious
  • You have the ability to change them consciously

Messages we receive as children

How we see ourselves impacts on all our behaviours. Imagine that as a child you were labelled as selfish, greedy, ungrateful, uncaring this becomes how you start to see yourself as bad and unworthy. These labels are not true what would have most definitely been the case is that you had unmet needs and were seeking connection, support and a right to be seen. Ultimately the adults around you are unable to recognise and meet your emotional needs.

As a child you believe those labels are true because as a child how would you know any better. This lead to feelings of anger, resentment, shame and ultimately grief of not having all your needs met. It brings a believe that prioritising your needs is bad.

Alternatively you could have been labelled the good one, the quiet one, your parents rock. Always meeting your parents emotional need. Never standing up for what you want or arguing, never pushing boundaries and eager to please. These labels while stated as positive will lead to an understanding that your needs are not a priority. They can develop a fear of rejection if you are to voice your own needs or make a mistake. It can cause great anxiety and again shame because there is huge pressure living up to these labels. Your needs as a child are still not met and you carry that grief.

So why do believes matter in terms of our parenting?

If we do not heal this hurt learned in childhood and get to know our true self we can become easily triggered by our children. They shine a light on our pain, on our unmet needs, our fears that we just are not good enough.

It means that we do not enjoy being parents. We start to create those untrue believes for our children in order to avoid the pain we are carrying. I know countless times personally and professionally when I have worked with children who have come to see me covered in labels about who they are and after spending time with them these labels fall away.

I have also worked with countless of parent. Once we started to explore what was happening with their child and family showed they were carrying huge amounts of grief and shame that they have carried from childhood. Preventing them seeing the goodness in their lives. Once that was acknowledged and started to be felt. The “problem” whether it is behaviours, a diagnosis or a traumatic experience, become easier to manage as it is no longer about assigning blame.

Self-reflection is hard

By addressing our hurts and limiting believes and where they come from we start to be happier and healthier in ourselves. We create healthier happier connections with our children and importantly mirror a true version of the real beauty and awesomeness that they are rather than a reflection of pain. We break the cycle and become a unit, a safe place to call home.

Get to understand your beliefs

Write a list of all the believes that come to your mind

  • is it true?
  • How do you know – what is the source
  • declare it is not true and look for alternative evidence
  • imagine being free of believe, what would your life look like?
  • replace the believe with something positive that counteracts limiting belief
  • find evidence for the new belief
  • become conscious of you behaviours relating to your belief and stop in its track turn it around

This work on yourself can be painful and hard so you need to fill yourself with compassion and love.

If you need support with this or any issue impacting your family why not book in for a free consultation.