The Parent Trap!
To often when we are with people we forget to listen in order to hear. We can get caught up in
- what we are going to say in response,
- our interpretation of the event is,
- the meaning we give it,
- how can we “fix it”
- triggers to our own experiences
- and we have all done it… what we are making for dinner!
We tell ourselves that this is supportive (possibly not the last point..). However, what we are actually unconsciously doing is building a barrier to communication and building blocks to the person being truly understood and free to process their experience of the world. It can be very disempowering despite our meaning having the opposite intent.
It’s easy to fall into this trap as parents with our need to protect and keep them safe while wanting them to achieving the best. We can forget the benefits, learning and inspiration we gain from failures and difficulties . Our focus can become the future rather than being in the moment. It can lead the child to disassociate, push boundaries or present with “negative” behaviours which at the core are about not being accepted for being uniquely them and despite our intention we are no longer the person they come to when they struggle.
Conscience Parenting and Holding Space
By moving to be conscious parent our starting point becomes hearing our children. Holding space for them without judgement and only when we understand do we guide or respond. The mere gift of understanding and giving space more often than not is all that is needed.
Next time you are faced with a situation or your child trying to explain something to you practice just letting them talk, explore and make their own conclusions and see how this act opens up your relationship and trust be regained. Holding Space is not even a conversation its recognising when someone needs a time out, a hot chocolate, a walk outdoors, some time doing absolutely nothing but being in the same space. Car Journeys with the music on low always worked best for me when giving young people the space they needed, so many honest conversations that would not have developed elsewhere.
“I Cant Just Sit There”
If you need to say something try questions like
- “and then what happened?”
- “how did it make you feel?”
- “did you learn anything from that experience?”
- ” what would you have like to happen?”
- “do you need me to do anything, give you advice or just listen?”
If you choose to work with me I will demonstrate the healing power to hold space for you as a family, this means being physically, mentally, and emotionally present for you. Without judgement putting my focus on your family. To support you, as you feel your feelings and move to a happier life where you are home.
And if I get it wrong I will demonstrate repair but that’s a whole other blog… Because holding space is not easy and takes practice so keep trying!!!